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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541171">all the things I can't say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCsittinginatree/pseuds/TCsittinginatree'>TCsittinginatree</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Women's Soccer RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:48:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541171</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCsittinginatree/pseuds/TCsittinginatree</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobin writes short letters filled with some of the things she can't say to Christen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tobin Heath/Christen Press</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>105</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chris,</p><p>I know I’m with Shirley and you’re with Vero. We said we wouldn’t do this anymore, but there are so many things I want to say to you. So, I guess… I’ll write them all here and throw them in the trash somewhere.  </p>
<ol>
<li>Hi, beautiful.</li>
<li>It makes my heart beat faster to see a message from you pop up on my screen.</li>
<li>You’re sexy.</li>
<li>The other day, I watched you talking to Mal and Sonny. You looked so alive. I wanted to walk right up to you and kiss you.</li>
<li>I miss hearing your voice moan my name when you come.</li>
<li>I miss my body pressed against yours.</li>
<li>I imagine it all the time: Kissing you against a wall, pulling your shirt up over your head, unfastening your bra, sliding my hands down your shorts, putting my lips on your collar bone, biting and sucking at your tits as I pull your panties down. Running my finger in slow long circles around your clit. Pushing back your gasp with my tongue. Feeling you soaking fucking wet. Just for me. Feeling you grind down against my hand. Speeding up my pace as I make tighter and tighter patterns around your clit. Feeling it get harder, feeling you open up for me. Listening to you beg for me. I want it.</li>
<li>I miss being able to whisper the truth to you.</li>
<li>I’m so sorry we can’t be together. Or maybe I’m sorry that neither of us wants to enough to do something about it.</li>
<li>You’re a vision on the field.</li>
<li>Every time you send a picture, my stomach drops a little. In the best possible way.</li>
<li>I think about you when I’m fucking her. Almost every time. I worry that I’m going to whisper your name.</li>
<li>Sometimes I can’t come unless I’m begging to you in my head.</li>
<li>I hope you think about me. I hope when she fucks you with the strap that you imagine it’s me, between your legs, thrusting in and out. Fucking you with everything I have and meaning every second of it.</li>
<li>I want to call you pet names and take you on trips and hold your hand and kiss you in public.</li>
<li>The other day I saw something at a store I wanted to buy for you, but then I remembered everything we’ve lost.</li>
<li>I do still want her. Yeah… I know. It’s not fair. But you still want Vero, too.</li>
<li>I’m trying my hardest.</li>
<li>I want to fly to you right now and tear your clothes off and make you feel things she never has. I want to spend days in bed with you, memorizing everything about you, every inch of your skin.</li>
<li>You’re in my bloodstream.</li>
<li>Can I just call you babe all the time? Friends do that sometimes, right?</li>
<li>This is so hard.</li>
<li>This is impossible.</li>
<li>I can feel it in my chest.</li>
<li>I know we wouldn’t make it, though. There’s nothing to make. I have Shirley and you have Vero. So, I guess that’s that.</li>
<li>I love you.</li>
</ol><p> </p><p>Tobin</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's my first time writing fic. Forgive any typos and stuff.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was not planning too write more, but some people asked for it so I thought I'd try...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chris,</p><p>Do you remember that time we took it so slow? You built me up: kissing my neck, running your fingers gently over my skin, tracing all of my ribs, swirling your tongue around my nipples. I’m not used to being out of control, I’m not used to doing exactly what someone says, but there you were, telling me what to do, sending shivers down my spine, taking care of me. Your fingertips trailed slowly over my thighs and slowly onto my clit. You turned me on more and more, teasing me, sending sensations through my body I didn't even know I could feel. Then you slid inside me with your other hand and fucked me so deeply. I never knew I could feel that good. </p><p>Or the time you got on your knees for me and ran your tongue through me. You let me pull your face against me, tug on you hair a little, let me ride your tongue. I came harder than I ever have before, trembling against you. </p><p>Fuck, babe. I miss you. She's not the same. Why is everything so complicated? </p><p>Tobin</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>nothing smutty here, just sad mostly.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chris, </p><p>I burned my last letter to you in a fire. The first time, I just pressed "delete" and it was all gone. But I felt like I needed to do more this time. I felt like maybe it would help ease the deep ache I feel. So I risked it, I printed it out and burned it like some dramatic teenager. </p><p>It didn't help. Maybe I should stop doing this.</p><p>You know that feeling when you get knocked down on the pitch and suddenly there's pain shooting through you coming right from your ankle? You realize something has happened but it could be anything from twisting your ankle to tearing a ligament. Theres a moment of uncertainty where you're sure you're hurt, you just have no idea how bad it is. So you poke and prod and try things. You spin your foot around, try to put weight on it, just trying to assess the damage. </p><p>Sometimes it's okay, the weight helps it feel a bit better and you can keep playing. </p><p>Sometimes it takes you off the pitch and, if you're lucky, after they take you to the training room you get to go back sit in the stands and watch someone replace you while you ice and elevate. </p><p>Sometimes it takes you out for weeks. You can feel it every time you move, every step you take. The sharp pain becomes dull but persistent. You work like hell to get back, but when you do it's never quite the same. Like the injury left something inside you that you'll never fully get rid of. </p><p>And, I guess, sometimes it takes you out completely. You can never play again, you're never the same again. Some time down the road, years later, you maybe can feel good enough to run a marathon. But soccer is ruined forever. </p><p>I think our love might be that last thing. </p><p>I don't think this pain i'm feeling is something I can walk off. It's nothing I can rest for a bit and recover from. I keep hoping it's something that will just sit inside me, a dull ache, for a few weeks, or months, and then leave the tiniest scar on my heart, but I don't think it will. I think this is the kind of thing that has broken me. That has scarred me so deeply that I'm changed. </p><p>It was just supposed to be sex. Two friends getting each other off while we were away from our girlfriends. How did we get here?</p><p>I have something to tell you...  </p><p>She has a ring. I found it yesterday when I was looking for a pair of socks. </p><p>I have to say yes. I want to say yes. I should say yes, right?</p><p>Because you and me? We will never be. It just doesn't make any sense. But she loves me more than anyone ever has.</p><p>Do you think if when I delete this in a few seconds it will release the pressure in my heart? </p><p>Love always,<br/>
Tobin</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for those who are reading. let me know if you think I should write more or just leave it here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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